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S E R G E L 'S 

ACTING 

DRAMA 



King Sargon s Jars 

A Farce in One Act 

BY ANN FURLONG 



acE 



THE 

DRAMATIC 

PUBLISHING 

COMPANY 



% 



I 



35 CENTS 



King Sargon's 
Jars 



A Farce in One Act 
by 

Ann Furlong 



<^ 



The Dramatic Publishing Company 

CHICAGO 



COPYRIGHT, 1932, BY 

The Dramatic Publishing Company 

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 






THIS play may be performed by amateurs without 
payment of royalty fee until further notice given 
in our annual catalogue, provided that one copy of the 
play has been purchased for each member of the cast. 
Terms for radio broadcasting, professional perform- 
ance, etc., will be quoted upon application to the pub- 
lisher. All rights reserved. 



OCT -3 im 

©CiDpub. 18492 



King Sargon s Jars 

A Farce in One Act 

FOR THREE MEN AND THREE WOMEN 



CH ^A ii^^ ere li^s 

Aunt Miranda who rules 

Uncle Henry who is ruled 

Nancy Aunt Mira7jda's niece 

Bob Aunt Miranda^ s nephew-in-law — almost 

Susan who never gossips 

Jim an archaeologist 

PLACE : The living-room in Aunt Miranda's hotne. 
time: The present. Late afternoon. 



NOTES ON CHARACTERS 
AND COSTUMES 



AUNT MIRANDA: She is a woman of fifty, gray-haired, stately, 
and severe. She is an old guard from the days when young ladies 
were young ladies. She wears a severely plain dress of rich, dark 
silk. She carries a piece of knitting and works at it with nervous 
jerks. 

UNCLE henry: He is a little bashful man of fifty, gray, and 
growing bald. He is quite obviously henpecked. His manner 
toward Miranda is anxious and conciliatory. His way toward 
Nancy is full of a fatherly tenderness. He wears dark trousers, a 
lounging coat, slippers, carries a pipe he is always starting to 
light, and putting away again at the sight or the thought of Aunt 
Miranda. 

NANCY: She is a pretty girl of twenty, sincere, gentle, and 
lovely. She wears a silk dress of some bright color very becoming 
to her. If Nancy is brunette, she might wear a dress of intense 
coral ; if she is blond, she might wear a vivid peacock blue, or a 
deep sea green. Throughout the play Nancy is plainly torn be- 
tween her love for Bob and her affeaion for her aunt. 

BOB: He is an up-and-coming young business man of about 
twenty-four or five. He is well-dressed in a handsome light busi- 
ness suit. He's dead in earnest about Nancy, and very upset and 
troubled by Aunt Miranda's opposition. 

SUSAN: She is a twenty-year-old fluff of a girl, impulsive, irre- 
sponsible, always ready to tease or to pout, and doing each quite 
well. She is beautifully dressed in the loveliest of clothes. Her 
coloring and clothes should contrast with those of Nancy. 

JIM : He is a young archaeologist of twenty-five, very bronzed 
and good-looking, and a match for Susan in irresponsibility and 
charm. He wears smart travelling clothes. 



PROPERTIES 

AUNT MIRANDA: Pen, paper and envelope on the desk u C; 
knitting. 

UNCLE HENRY: Newspaper; pipe and pouch of tobacco; bill- 
fold with money in it. 

SUSAN: Compaa and lip stick; colorful hand bag; telegram. 

NANCY: Telephone direaory off l for her to bring on. 

JIM : Small bottle of colorless liquid ; small piece of slim, dark 
stone to represent a lizard, or a lizard paper weight ; cigarette and 
matches. 

CHART OF STAGE POSITIONS 



PIGHT 



/ UR 


1 URC 


UC 


ULC 1 


UL \ 


/" 


l-c 


C 


1 
LC 


1m 


' DR / 


DRC 


DC 


DLC 


M 



LEFT 



CURTAIN LINE 



FOOTLIGHTS 



STAGE POSITIONS 

Up stage means away from the footlights, down stage means 
toward the footlights, and fight and left are used with reference 
to the aaor as he faces the audience. R means right, l means left, 
U means up, D means down, c means center, and these abbrevia- 
tions are used in combination, as : u R for up right, R c for right 
center, D L c f or down left center, etc. One will note that a posi- 
tion designated on the stage refers to a general territory, rather 
than to a given point. 



King Sargon's Jars 



SCENE: The living-room of Aunt Miranda's home. There 
is a combination of old and new in its furnishings that 
bespeaks the home of people who have lived in it a long 
time and prospered. There are old things that Aunt Miranda has 
kept, and new things she has bought from time to time. Thus 
there are some old Windsor chairs, some very modern lamps, and 
a luxurious davenport. There are two doors, one R, leading to the 
entrance, and one L, leading to the interior of the house and to 
the garden. R C is an easy chair, u C against the wall is a desk with 
a chair, and L c is the divan with a table back of it. Other furni- 
ture may be added as space allows."] 

AT RISE OF CURTAIN: UNCLE HENRY is sitting R C, dozing, 

nodding, nancy enters R, crosses to him, leans over and tickles 
his nose with a piece of paper. After several comic attempts to 
brush it of, UNCLE henry rouses with a start and a snort, sees 
NANCY, and then settles back with a grin.] 

UNCLE HENRY. Hello there, Nancy! Where's Bob? 
NANCY. He's — uh — uh — waiting outside. 
UNCLE henry. Waiting.^ What ioz7 

NANCY. For — er — er — me to speak to you 

UNCLE HENRY [smiling broadly]. Yes? 

NANCY. And then — for you to speak to Aunt Miranda. 

UNCLE HENRY [the smile fading from his face]. Eh? Me to 

speak to Miranda? 
NANCY. You will help us, won't you? 
UNCLE HENRY. What do you want me to do ? 
NANCY [coaxing]. Uncle Henry 

7 



KING SARGON'S JARS 



BOB [entering r]. What's the matter, Nanqr? You're so pokey! 

Did she say O. K. ? 
NANCY, Not yet. You see Uncle Henry hasn't asked her yet. 
BOB. Aw, Mr. Talbot, come on now! Ask her for us! She'll do 

anything for you ! 
UNCLE HENRY. Who.^ Miranda.^ Shucks, what put that idea in 

your head ? 
BOB. Sure she will! Why, a man like you, Mr. Talbot, can just 

twist a woman right around his finger ! 
UNCLE HENRY. Yeah ? Bob, my boy, Miranda and I have been 

one for twenty-five years, and she's been the one ! 

[bob and nancy, with a little groan, sink, disconsolate, on the 
divan. Then bob rises determinedly.'] 

BOB. Well, if you two can't make up your minds I'll do it. I'll tell 

Aunt Miranda and I'll be firm with her ! 
UNCLE HENRY. You'll be what.^ 
BOB. Firm! 
UNCLE HENRY [rubbing his head reflectively]. Have you ever 

tried being firm with her? 
BOB [sitting down uncertainly]. Er — er — no. 

UNCLE HENRY. I thought nOt. 

BOB. It isn't as if she were dead set against me. She consented to 

the trial engagement. 
UNCLE HENRY. Sure ! It's just a matter of a little time till she will 

agree to the wedding. It's a good thing you youngsters stuck 

to the provision she laid down about keeping the engagement 

strialy to yourselves. 
NANCY. Yes, it would be swell, if only we had ! 
UNCLE HENRY. You don't mean you have let it slip! Why Nancy, 

you had promised ! 
BOB. It was my fault — telling about it. 
NANCY. Mine too. We both wanted the rugs. 
UNCLE HENRY. Rugs? What on earth are you talking about ? 
NANCY. Oh rugs for our apartment when we're married. We 



KING S ARGON'S JARS 9 

wanted antique oriental rugs and one day I went in and priced 
some — they cost a fortune! 

BOB. So I told Nancy that Jim could pick us up all we could pos- 
sibly want for next to nothing. 

UNCLE HENRY. Jim.^ He's that young archaeologist your aunt 
dislikes so much, isn't he.^ 

NANCY. Yes, and he's way off in the interior of Turkey where 
only camel trains come about twice a year and he can pick up 
simply marvelous rugs. 

UNCLE HENRY. I See. So you wrote him all about it. Well, any- 
way, he hasn't told so maybe it will be all right. 

BOB. Jim never writes news home. We counted on that. And he 
expeaed to be out there another year. 

NANCY. It seemed absolutely safe. 

UNCLE HENRY. So you wrote Jim all about it. 

NANCY. Bob did. 

BOB. Well, don't blame me. You told me to. 

NANCY. I didn't do any such thing! I merely said 

BOB. Say, who wanted the oriental rugs? You or me ? 

NANCY. Who suggested the idea that Jim could get us some ? 

BOB. Who said we'd have to explain why or he'd think we were 
crazy? 

[All through this furious conversation uncle henry, who has 
been between the two of them, turns first one way then the 
other, as first one and then the other speaks."] 

UNCLE HENRY. Yeah, yeah, you both wanted the rugs. So you 
wrote Jim. Now what's the matter ? 

BOB. Jim gets back this morning and he goes with Susan Mason 
and she'll never keep a secret ! She couldn't. 

NANCY. I'll appeal to him not to tell. I'll explain how important 
it is. 

BOB. He'll have seen Susan long before he comes around here ! 

NANCY. I'll take care of that! [She picks up the phone.] Bitter- 
sweet 5083. 



10 KING SARGON'S JARS 

BOB. Put it good and strong. 

NANCY [to bob]. I will, don't worry. [Into the phone.'] Hello, 
Mrs. Brant, this is Nancy calling. — Yes, we'd heard. We're 
perfealy thrilled at the thought of seeing him. — Mhmm — 
Mhmm — . Mrs. Brant, I want to leave a message for Jim. Will 
you ask him to come over here a few minutes as soon as he 
arrives? — Mhmm — Mhmm — I know that. I wouldn't ask if 
it weren't so important. Mrs. Brant, please tell him it's a 
matter of life and death. That's all I can say. Good-bye. 

[nancy hangs up and wipes her brow with her hanky.] 

UNCLE HENRY [reprovingly]. Nancy! How could you say that! 
NANCY. Well, I'll die if anything more goes wrong with our 

engagement. 
UNCLE HENRY [reflectively]. It does seem like your best chance 

is talking your aunt around before there's any slip up. Susan 

Mason! [He goes out R shaking his head.] Susan Mason! 
NANCY [mournfully]. We'll have to be very diplomatic. 
BOB. Diplomatic, rats! I'm tired of being diplomatic! All we 

have to do is walk out of that door [He indicates the door R.}, 

buy a license, and get married! And we can do it any time 

we've got the gumption ! 
NANCY. Oh Bob, I couldn't treat Aunt Miranda that way ! She's 

been like a mother to me ever since I was a baby! She's so 

proud, too, it would just break her heart. 
BOB. All right. That's out then ! We'll be diplomatic. How 

shall we go about it? 
NANCY. I know ! We'll talk to her about the new Greenwood 

apartments! 
BOB. What's that got to do with us? 
NANCY. She's happy over them. The tenants signed a long lease, 

and Aunt Miranda's putting in canvas walls, and everything. 
BOB. But what's canvas walls got to do with us? 

NANCY. Goosie! You men never have any more sense than 

BOB. But what do canvas walls have to do with us? 

NANCY. Silly! We'll start talking about those wonderful apart- 



KING S ARGON'S JARS 11 

ments, and then we'll work it around to how we'd hke to be 

in our own apartment, see? 
BOB. Oh! Say, that's great! Sure! I see it now! I'll say, "Well, I 

hear those Greenwood apartments are coming along fine!" 
NANCY \_e7ithusiastically'}. And then she'll say, "Marvelously ! 

I'll make enough money on those apartments to 

BOB. And then I'll say, "Happy homes!" 

NANCY. And then you'll sigh, like this — [_Sighs.'] Ahhhh! 

BOB. You think I could sigh like that.^ Okay, then. \^He sighs.'] 

Ahhhh! And then I'll say, "I wish Nancy and I had our own 

little home " 

NANCY {^squirming with delight']. Oh, Bob, that's perfea! And 

then she'll say, "Well, well, would you rather have a home 

wedding or a church wedding 

AUNT MIRANDA {ojf l}. Nancy ! Nancy! 

NANCY. Hush ! 

BOB. What was I to say? 

NANCY. Shhh ! 

BOB. What am I to start with? 

NANCY. Shhh! Greenwood! Canvas walls! 

BOB [^jumping up nervously, straightening his coat, adjusting 

his tie, running a finger around his collar]. Greenwood walls 

— canvas tenants — [Snaps his finger.] No, darn it! Green- 
wood tenants — canvas apartments — Nancy, I'll never get this 

straight ! 
AUNT MIRANDA [off L, nearer this time]. Nancy! 
NANCY [shakily]. Yes, auntie! Right here! 
AUNT MIRANDA [sweeping in l]. Where is the telephone book? 
NANCY [hastening l}. I'll find it r — r — r — r — ight away. 
AUNT MIRANDA [turning on bob}. Well, young man, you don't 

seem to be very busy today ! 

[nancy, pausing in the door way, makes frantic motions back 
to bob, aiid says voicelessly, but with exaggerated lip move 
ments, '^Tell her!" She goes out L.] 

BOB [with a gulp]. Er — Mrs. Talbot, I hear your Greenlawn 
apartments are coming along just fine. 



12 KING SARGON'S JARS 

AUNT MIRANDA [coldly, OS she sits at the desk u C and draws a 

sheet of note paper to her'}. Greenlawn? 
BOB. Er — er — that isn't right, is it? I — I — meant Greenfield. 
AUNT MIRANDA [turning toward him, coldly']. Are you trying 

to talk about the Greenwood apartments 7 
BOB, Yes, yes — all the canvas tenants — er — canvas walls, and — 

and 

AUNT MIRANDA. Don't mention Greenwood to me! 
BOB {the wind out of his sails]. Uh ? Something wrong? 
AUNT MIRANDA, Oh, no ! Just a water main has burst, and the 

canvas walls you're trying to talk about are ruined ! That's all ! 

It'll take two years to break even on that place. Greenwood 

apartments! Humph! 

\She turns back to her letter, and BOB, with the wind out of his 
sails, sits disconsolate. NANCY enters quickly l, and puts the 
book on the desk for her aunt.] 

NANCY [briskly]. Aunt Miranda, Bob and I were just talk- 
ing 

BOB [signaling frantically to nancy}. Ahem! Ahem! 

NANCY. We were just talking about those lovely new Green- 
wood apartments^ — and about how much fun 

BOB [signaling again]. Ahem! 

NANCY. And we just thought, when we talked about those 
lovely apartments 

AUNT MIRANDA [cutting in ironically]. The less you say about 
those lovely apartments now, the better! The lovely water 
mains have burst and let lovely rusty water ail over the lovely 
canvas walls, and I'll be paying the lovely bills for the next 
six months. I'm just writing to my lawyer now about those 
lovely Greenwood apartments! 

[She looks for an address in the directory, and bends again over 
her letter, bob and nancy sink, disconsolate, on the divan. 
BOB pantomimes stabbing himself, and nancy pantomimes 
cutting her throat, uncle henry comes back in R, carrying 



KING S ARGON'S JARS 13 

the newspaper with him. He has it spread out, looking at it, so 
that he does not notice just who is in the room.'] 

UNCLE HENRY, By the way, Bob, I cleaned up a mighty tidy little 
sum on that tip the other day. 

[aunt MIRANDA, Still Unnoticed by uncle henry, turns toward 
him. BOB tries frantically to get his attention, but uncle 
HENRY is Still engrossed in his paper.] 

BOB. Ahem ! Er — Mr. Talbot 

UNCLE HENRY. Five hundred dollars I cleared! That wasn't bad 

for a new hand in the game, eh } 

BOB. Really, Mr. Talbot, I 

UNCLE HENRY {^settling down comfortably with his paper]. Oh, 

don't worry about Nancy. She knows her old uncle is a sinner, 

don't you, pet.^ 
AUNT MIRANDA {rising majestically]. Henry Talbot! 
UNCLE HENRY {jumping all over]. Eh? What.> {He drops his 

newspaper, tries to pick it up, steps on it, tears it, drops it 

again, and goes through all sorts of frantic gestures in his 

effort to collect his wits.] 
AUNT MIRANDA. Do you mean to tell me you've been gambling.^ 

UNCLE HENRY. Now, really, my dear, I 

AUNT MIRANDA {wheeling on bob]. And you've been egging 

him on to it, have you ? 
UNCLE HENRY. Now, now, my dear, I wasn't gambling at all. I 

just bought a few shares of a good stock, and sold them at a 

very tidy little advance. 
AUNT MIRANDA. That's enough out of you, Henry ! Robert, why 

did you encourage Henry to gamble.^ 
BOB. Really, Mrs. Talbot, he just bought some stocks of P and 

B X. That's the company I'm with, you know 

AUNT MIRANDA. I didn't loiow. So you're with a gambling con- 
cern, are you ? 
BOB. My heavens, no ! It's an investment house! 
AUNT MIRANDA. And yet you urged Henry to gamble! 



14 KING SARGON'S JARS 

BOB. Oh, no! You see, in an investment house everyone is sup- 
posed to ask two people every day to buy stock. You see how 
that is 

AUNT MIRANDA. I don't See ! 

BOB. Just a Httle matter of routine, that's all! I just say to the 
janitor and the elevator man, [Rattling it off without a particle 
of expression or concern.'] "Want to buy stock in P and B X? 
Want to buy stock in P and B X .^" And then that's done with 
for the day ! See ? 

AUNT MIRANDA. No, I don't see! Nancy, I'm very glad your en- 
gagement to Robert has never been announced! 

NANCY. What? 

AUNT MIRANDA. Bccausc I'll never consent to your marrying a 
gambler ! 

UNCLE HENRY [trying to brighten the occasion a little]. You 
married me, my dear! 

AUNT MIRANDA [crossing majestically L, and wheeling]. Henry! 
Just because I threw myself away is no reason for permitting 
Nancy to make an equally unfortunate mistake. [She goes out 

L.] 
NANCY [sinking into a chair]. Oh, dear ! 
BOB [sinking into a chair]. That's — 
UNCLE HENRY [following suit]. That! 
NANCY. We should have explained better. 
BOB [rising]. Come on. Let's start before we get too scared. 
NANCY [also rising]. We can be diplomatic. [She gives him a. 

mocking glance.] Like we were just now. [But she slips her 

hand in his arm and they go out L.} 

[As BOB and nancy go out l, bob continues talking until his 
voice dies away off stage.] 

BOB. I'll just say, "Now look here. Aunt Miranda — " 
UNCLE HENRY [looking after them and shaking his head]. 
Good luck, you two ! You'll need it ! 

[uncle henry reopens his newspaper, looks at the front page 
and makes a clucking sound of disapproval. Then he turns to 



KING S ARGON'S JARS IS 

the editorial page, folds the paper conveniently and begins to 
read as SUSAN enters R.] 

SUSAN. Yao-hoo! 

UNCLE HENRY. Oh, hello Susati ! 

SUSAN. Hello Mr. Talbot. Where's Nanqr? 

UNCLE HENRY. Nanq^ is busy just now, but I expea her back 
right away. 

SUSAN. I'll just sit down and wait. [She leans back sighing.'] I'm 
perfealy dead. Been shopping all morning. I bought the dear- 
est little cordonette dress with a beret and scarf in a contrast- 
ing shade of — [She discovers that uncle henry is furtively 
glancing at his paper during this recital.] Why Mr. Talbot! 

UNCLE henry. I beg your pardon, my dear, you said the scarf 
and beret 7 

SUSAN [crossing to him and affectionately rumpling his hair]. 
Oh never mind them ! 

UNCLE HENRY. Susan, have you seen Jim yet.^ 

SUSAN. Not yet, but he'll be here 'most any 

UNCLE HENRY. You haven't.^ My, that's fine ! That's fine! 

SUSAN. What's fine about it} 

UNCLE HENRY. Er — cr — now, my dear, I didn't mean- 



SUSAN. And Where's Nancy .^ I have a bone to pick with her! 
[She pulls a telegram out of her pocket.] Just listen to this ! I 
got it from Jim this morning! "Love to Nancy and Bob stop 
tell happy pair I came in like an immigrant with a bale of rugs 
for their home, stop " 

UNCLE HENRY [sinking back with a groan]. Ohhhh ! 

SUSAN. Can you beat that! 

UNCLE HENRY. No, that wins everything. 

SUSAN. And I'm her best friend, and Nancy never told me a 
word ! I'm certainly going to give her a piece of my mind! 

UNCLE HENRY. You See, Susan, it was this way. Mrs. Talbot in- 
sisted that the engagement must be an absolute secret, and if 
she ever knows it got out, she'll forbid them to marry. 

SUSAN. That's certainly no reason for Nancy not to tell me ! Her 



16 KING SARGON'S JARS 

very best friend! She certainly knew she could trust me, didn't 

she? 
UNCLE HENRY. Et — cr — ^yes. You haven't told any one about 

that telegram have you ? 
SUSAN. Of course not! Didn't I just tell you Nancy could trust 

me.^ 
UNCLE HENRY. Thank goodness! Miranda's in a temper right 

now. If we can just keep this whole thing perfealy still until 

it all blows over, maybe Bob and Nancy can get married in 

peace. 
SUSAN. Oh, can't they get married right away.^ And here I was 

planning all about my bridesmaid costume with Mrs. Sloan! 
UNCLE HENRY. With Mts. — You didn't tell her about it, did 

you.^ 
SUSAN. Of course not ! I never gossip ! But you see I was down 

there for a fitting right after I got the telegram, and 

UNCLE HENRY. But you didn't tell Mrs. Sloan anything, did 

you.^ 
SUSAN. Of course I didn't. I just asked her what bridesmaids 

were wearing this year. 

UNCLE HENRY. Is that all? 

SUSAN. Absolutely. 

UNCLE HENRY. You'te sure? 

SUSAN. Of course. We talked about having each bridesmaid wear 
a different pastel shade, and I said I supposed Mrs. Talbot 
would want us all to wear pink or blue instead. 

UNCLE HENRY. You Said that to Mrs. Sloan? 

SUSAN. Yes — but that's every word I said ! 

UNCLE HENRY. That's enough ! She's the worst gossip in seven 
states ! Where' d you go after you left the dressmaker's? 

SUSAN. To lunch with Annette Crawford. 

UNCLE HENRY [holding his head']. Oh, my heavens! 

SUSAN. Why what's the matter? 

UNCLE HENRY. What did you say to her ? j 

SUSAN. You mean about Nancy and Bob? Not a word! :> , 



KING S ARGON'S JARS 17 

UNCLE HENRY. Thank heaven ! 

SUSAN. All I said to her was that I thought it was mighty funnjr 
Bob should write about the engagement to Jim, when Nanqr 
hadn't said a thing even to her very best friends. 

UNCLE HENRY. What.> 

SUSAN. But that's all. I didn't say another word. 

UNCLE HENRY. Now you've done it! When Miranda hears that, 
she'll be mad as a hornet, and she never will let them get 
married! Wait till I — [And he hurries out L.] 

SUSAN [turning after hint]. But what's the excitement.^ 1 

[He is gone, so susan shrugs and turns back, takes out her com- 
pact and starts to touch up her face. jiM enters R.] 

JIM. Susan ! 

SUSAN [running to his arms']. Jim ! 

JIM. Susan ! [He holds her and looks at her.] It seems like a dif- 
ferent world ! 
SUSAN. If that's the way you feel, why did you come to Nancy's 

house first 7 
JIM. Gosh! Nancy sent word she must see me — a life and death 

matter ! 
SUSAN. Oh, that.? It must be about the engagement. It's to be 

kept secret, you mustn't tell anyone. 
JIM. That's so! Bob told me that when he wrote! And like an 

idiot I let it slip in that wire, didn't I ? 
SUSAN. Well, don't worry ! Just because you can't keep a secret 

isn't any sign / can't ! 
JIM. That's a good girl ! Say, I've got great news for you, little 

girl! 
SUSAN. Honestly? 

JIM. Yes, the last time I was in Istamboul 

SUSAN [with an exasperated sigh]. Oh, it's something about 

those old ruins, is it.? I s'pose you dug up a pair of beads with 

inscriptions. 
JIM. No, now, Susan, listen 



18 KING SARGON'S JARS 

SUSAN. Or some of those stone animals the rich Assyrians had 
on the front lawn two thousand years ago? To me they're just 
a herd of cast-iron deer off a scrap heap. 

JIM [amused'\. Oh, now, Sue, leave Archeology a leg to stand 
on! 

SUSAN. Well, [With a bored sigh.'] what did you find? 

JIM [taking a small object from his pocket and handing it to 
her]. Look. 

SUSAN [reaching out her hand for it and then drawing back with 
a shudder]. Ooo! I hate those reptilian paper weights! 

JIM [shoving it nearer her]. Look at it. Feel it! 

SUSAN. Ooh! Take it away. It's too lifelike. Where did you dig 
up such a nasty lizard ? 

JIM [impressively]. I didn't dig it up. Ten minutes ago that 
lizard was alive and wriggling. 

SUSAN [edging nearer and touching the object with an experi- 
mental finger]. Huh? But it feels like rock. 

JIM. Right. It is rock now. [Reaches in his pocket.] And this 
new-born kitten 

SUSAN [utterly disgusted now and backing away]. Never mind 
showing me. Take them away. I had no idea you had such dis- 
gusting habits. 

JIM. That's a sweet welcome to give a man who makes the big- 
gest discovery in years and comes tearing straight across the 
ocean to you ! Listen, Sue 

SUSAN. I'll listen as long as you keep to the point. But if you start 
talking research I'll just clear out till it blows over. 

JIM [making a gesture of tearing his hair]. And this — this blond 
millstone is to be the wife of an archaeologist ! 

SUSAN. Cheer up. I've heard rumors to the contrary. 

JIM. Just let me tell you about my big discovery and we'll see. 
The last time I was in Istamboul a merchant in the bazaar 
eased up to me and told me he could take me to a man who 
had "written stone jars" to sell. That means jars with inscrip- 
tions on them. 

SUSAN [uninterested]. I had supposed so. 



KING S ARGON'S JARS 19 

JIM. I went along with him into a dark hovel, and sure enough, 

there was a lousy old boy with a pair of stone jars, sealed up 

and covered with cuneiform inscriptions. 
SUSAN [j//7/ uninterested']. So you bought them. 
JIM. Right. For two dollars apiece. The old boy swore he got 

them from the tomb of a great king. I managed to decipher the 

inscriptions. 
SUSAN [^yawning]. I'm on the edge of my chair ! 
JIM [impressively']. Sue, the contents of those jars had been 

compounded by command of Sargon, King of Kings ! 
SUSAN. So what? 
JIM [rising i?7i patiently']. Well, I'll tell you this much, young 

lady. We can get married right away ! 
SUSAN. And use what for money, wampum? 
JIM [impressively]. Sue, the stuff in those jars will keep you in 

Paris gowns the rest of your life ! 
SUSAN [rising and whirling]. What? 
JIM. I thought that would wake you up. 
SUSAN. Count ten slowly, and then answer me. Did you say Paris 

gowns? 
JIM. Right. 
SUSAN. Oh, Jim, those precious darling lovely old jars! Tell me 

all about them! 
JIM. It's hard to believe. Sue, but the merest touch of the stuff 

from one of those jars will turn anything instantly to stone. 
SUSAN. No! Oh, that's awful! What if someone got it on him 

and turned to stone? 
JIM. In the other jar is the antidote. You touch the object with 

the second liquid, and it turns back to what it was first. If it's a 

person, he won't even know a thing has happened. 
SUSAN. How do you know? 
JIM. I tried it on a native boy. 
SUSAN. He had more nerve than I would ! 
JIM. As a matter of fact he didn't know. He happened to be 

asleep at the time. A darn good looking statue he made. I 

hated to use the antidote on him. 



20 KING S ARGON'S JARS 

SUSAN. One thing I don't quite see. How do you expea to make 
money from this discovery ? 

JIM {striding up and down^. That part I haven't clear worked 
out yet. But there'll be hundreds of ways of turning it to ad- 
vantage. Take cold storage — it would save the expense of 
refrigeration. You could just turn the animals to stone until 
you were ready to use them. 

SUSAN {doubtfully'] . Y-yes, I suppose so. 

JIM {full of the subject and gesturing]. Or I might set up as a 
sculptor. They get big money. Think how much more natural 
my statues would be. The other guys wouldn't be in the run- 
ning. And look at the service I could give ! A regular sculptor 
takes a long time to do a statue but I could supply an absolutely 
lifelike stone dog or horse or whatever they wanted at less 
than a day's notice. 

SUSAN {a bit doubtfully]. I — I suppose so. 

JIM. My discovery would do a lot of good too. Look at parents — 
the tough break they get always having to stay home and look 
after the family and the kids always waking up and yelling if 
they have in company. 

SUSAN. How would they use it} 

JIM. Easiest thing in the world. Just praaice the kiddies to take 
pretty poses, like this. [jiM demonstrates standing on tiptoe, 
one leg stretched out, one arm raised and the other hand hold- 
ing out an imaginary skirt.] Then just touch them with the 
stuff and set them out around the lawn or around the house as 
ornaments. Then the mother could have a quiet afterrKKjn at 
the movies or entertaining her friends. It would mean a lot to 
her. 

SUSAN. Have you tried it on a white person yet .'* 

JIM. No, but I'm going to, first chance. 

SUSAN. I doubt if you get many volunteers. 

JIM. Oh well, I can get some criminal or some one that's ^out to 
commit suicide, or some mean guy that's making everyone 
miserable and wouldn't be missed if it fails. I'll try it on him. 

SUSAN. And you think it will make you rich.'' 



KING SARGON'S JARS 21 

JIM. I think it will make us rich. I didn't say anything before be- 
cause I didn't dare ask you to live on an archaeologist's salary. 
But it's us together from now on ! [He catches her hands and 
starts to swing her around when uncle henry enters L.] 

JIM [«<?/ too cordially]. Oh hello, Mr. Talbot. 

UNCLE HENRY [hurriedly]. Glad to see you back, James. My, 
my, what a pity you let it slip about the engagement ! 

JIM. But I only told Sue, and nobody'd ever get it out of her. 

UNCLE HENRY. No One but that gossiping dressmaker and gab- 
bling Annette Crawford ! 

JIM. Why, Susan, you walked all over me for even telling you! 

SUSAN. Er — er — well, you see — ^you — you — see 

JIM. I see you're a fraud! 

UNCLE HENRY. Well, well, it may come out all right yet ! \_He 
goes out R.] 

[nancy enters L. She is dabbing at her eyes with her handker- 
chief and does not look up.] 

JIM [heartily]. Well, here's the little bride! Wait till you see the 
bale of rugs I brought you. 

NANCY [sniffingly dabbing at her eyes with her handkerchief as 
she puts out her other hand]. Oh, hello Jim, hello Susan. 
Th — thanks f — for doing the sh — shopping but we m — may 
n — never use them! J — just excuse me a m — minute while I 
p — powder m — my eyes and co — come back. [She goes out 

L.] 

JIM. Gosh, what's the matter.? 

SUSAN. It's just her cranky old Aunt Miranda won't consent to 

the marriage. 
JIM. That is mean. Bob's a grand guy. She'll never find a better. 

[He lights a cigarette.] 

[Another door bangs off stage and BOB enters L followed by 

AUNT MIRANDA.] 

BOB [going to JIM}. Great to see you old man. Hello Sue. 
AUNT MIRANDA [entering impressively as if under full sail]. 



22 KING S ARGON'S JARS 

Furthermore, young man, I must ask you not to enter my house 
again. I owe it to Nancy's dead mother not to let her child 
marry a gambler ! 

JIM [^aghast']. A gambler! Why Jim could never hold his job 
with P and B X if he gambled. They're a very straight laced 
firm. 

AUNT MIRANDA [^seetng him for the first time']. Young man, I'd 
have you know that it is exactly his connection with P and B X 
that I object to. That company has stock and from owning 
stock it is only a step to playing the market. 

JIM, My word ! 

AUNT MIRANDA [tvith increasing coldness]. Furthermore, while 
you are in my house FU have to ask you to refrain from smok- 
ing that vile weed. 

[jiM hastily removes the cigarette from his mouth and AUNT 
MIRANDA sweeps majestically out. At the door she pauses.] 

AUNT MIRANDA. I will rcjoin you in a moment. Excuse me 
please. 

[The men bow. SUSAN murmurs indistinguishably. aunt Mi- 
randa ^(?6'j- out L.] 

SUSAN. Wowie ! 

JIM [recovering his good temper]. Why aren't you on your way, 

Bob.^ I thought I heard you ordered out into the cold cruel 

world. 
BOB igfif^ly]' Wrong. You heard me ordered never to return. 

So it's up to me not to leave till she's changed her mind or Fll 

never get back. Fll look up Nancy and be back in a minute. 

[He goes out L.] 
JIM, Seems to me the thing for them to do is just walk out and 

get married and let their cranky old Aunt fume if she wants to. 
SUSAN, You don't know Nancy or you'd never suggest that. She 

knows how proud Mrs. Talbot is and she'd never hurt her 

publicly like that. Under all that sweetness, Nancy is stubborn 

too — she wants her Aunt's consent and she's going to wait for 

it. 



KING SARGON'S JARS 23 

JIM. Waiting isn't much in my line. 

SUSAN. They may have to wait forever. Mother's known Mrs. 
Talbot since grade school and she says she's stubborn as a rock. 

JIM. Stubborn as a rock. Say, that rock stuff gives me an idea. Do 
you see this ? ^He takes a small vial such as druggists use to 
dispense bulk perfume from his pocket and places it on the 
table. ^ 

SUSAN [edging near //]. I'm afraid to look at it almost. It's some 
of the stuff from King Sargon's jar, isn't it.^ 

JIM. It is. I was taking this sample over to the laboratory to get it 
analyzed so we can depend on having a supply of it when this 
is exhausted. But I am going to use it for another purpose now. 
There {He points impressively at the bottle. '\ stands the de- 
liverer of Bob and Nancy! 

[As he speaks the last words aunt Miranda appears at the door 
L, about to enter. She stops at his words and stands perfectly 
silent and attentive through the lines that follow.'] 

SUSAN. Jim! You wouldn't dare! It would be a crime! 

JIM. No crime at all. I told you I'd locate some mean guy that 

was making every one miserable and experiment on him. Well, 

Aunt Miranda's the one. She's making every one miserable. 

Her heart is stone already. 
SUSAN. But even if you turn her to stone what good would that 

do Bob and Nancy ? 
JIM. That's easy. I'll tell Nancy that I won't turn her aunt back 

until she and Bob are married. 
SUSAN [doubtfully]. It sounds all right. But I'm kinda scared! 

[aunt MIRANDA steps out of sight.] 

JIM. You're just jumpy because it's the first time you've seen it 
work. The antidote's safe. We'll make a turn around the 
garden until Aunt Miranda comes back. Then we'll try it. 
[They go out L.] 

[A moment later aunt miranda appears in the door l and 
comes down angrily to the table.] 



24 KING S ARGON'S JARS 

AUNT MIRANDA [picking Up the bottle and looking at it indig- 
nantly']. Hmm! The impertinent young upstart. First a grave 
robber and now a criminal. Well! I'll take care of this! [She 
goes out holding the bottle at arm's length and returns a 
moment later and replaces it on the table. Then she seats her- 
self and begins to knit. Her lips ate compressed.] 

[ JIM and SUSAN enter L. They look at each other just inside the 
door. SUSAN indicates aunt miranda with a nod of her head 
and raises her eyebrows inquiringly at JIM. He nods and ad- 
vances towards the table ^ 

aunt MIRANDA. You Still here? 

SUSAN. Nancy seemed so troubled we hated to go. 

AUNT MIRANDA [settling in her chair and continuing to knit]. 

Humph ! She'll get over it. 

JIM. If you'd consent to her marrying Bob, they'd surely 

AUNT MIRANDA. Humph! How'd you know they're engaged .-^ 

JIM. Er — er — well, you see as a matter of fact 

AUNT MIRANDA. So that's the way he keeps his promise, is it.^ I 

might have known a gambler wouldn't keep his word! 
JIM. Oh, come now, Mrs. Talbot, Bob's no gambler! Why, he 

couldn't gamble if he worked for that firm! I'm afraid you're 

all 

AUNT MIRANDA. I'd thank you to mind your own affairs! 

JIM. I'm sorry. 

AUNT MIRANDA. You Ought to be. 

JIM. I'll stick to my own affairs, hereafter. 

AUNT MIRANDA. A good idea. 

JIM. Er — er — by the way, here's something I'd like to show 

you 

AUNT MIRANDA. What is it.^ Some heathen discovery.? I'm not 

interested. 

JIM. No, really, it's quite 

AUNT MIRANDA. If I were your mother, I'd turn you over my 

knee ! The idea of you traipsing off over there digging up dead 

men's belongings ! Humph ! 



KING S ARGON'S JARS 25 

JIM Icrosjing cautiously nearer her with the bottle, slowly loos- 
ening the cork as he comes']. Yes, I expea you're right, Mrs. 
Talbot. I expect you're right. Just a minute, here ; I want to 
show you how this works. [IF///> the moistened cork, he 
touches her wrist.'] There, isn't that 

[Instantly aunt miranda stiffens, her eyes close, she drops her 
knitting arid sits as if turned to stone.] 

SUSAN. Oh, Jim ! Look at her! 

JIM. It works ! Hurray! [Crossing l, calling.] Bob ! Nancy ! Bob ! 
SUSAN [crossing and touching aunt miranda with an out- 
stretched finger]. Gosh, it's scarey ! 
JIM. Won't they be happy ! 

[bob and nancy enter l. At first they don't notice aunt mi- 
randa.] 

nancy [approaching JIM]. Jim, it's so good to see you! How 
well you look ! 

JIM. Thanks. I have some news for you ! 

nancy. What's that.^ 

JIM. You can get married ! 

NANCY. What.? 

JIM, You can get married. Look! [He steps back and exposes 
AUNT MIRANDA to their view.] 

NANCY. What is it} Oh! Aunt Miranda! Auntie! Oh, what hap- 
pened! [She runs to her aunt, touches her, and then draws 
back.] Bob! 

BOB [crossing to AUNT Miranda's other j/V^}, Mrs. Talbot! 
What's wrong.? [He touches her shoulder, and shakes her. She 
moves stiffly, and then sits immobile as his hand drops.] Good 
heavens, what happened.? [Tur?js to JiM.} Were you here 
when she got this way ? 

JIM [cheerily]. Surest thing you know! And as soon as you two 
get married 

BOB. What are you talking about ? 

JIM. Just a little experiment of mine. 



26 KING SARGON'S JARS 

NANCY. You mean you did it ? You turned my own Aunt Mi- 
randa into a statue ? Oh, Jim, how could you? 

JIM. Now, now, Nancy, don't take it that way. I was just doing 
you a good turn. 

BOB. Is that so.^ And what is your idea of doing us a good turn ? 

JIM. Er — er — well, how'd I know you'd take it like this? This 
stuff in this little bottle is a sample I brought back with me. 
Anyone touched with it turns instantly to stone. 

NANCY. No, no, you wouldn't ! You couldn't do that to my Aunt 
Miranda! You wouldn't have let Jim, Susan! Don't you re- 
member how good she's always been to us? The parties we 
used to have on Saturday, and everything? And how she took 
us to the shows, and we — we — we — \W ailing. 1^ even had 
box seats! 

[nancy weeps, bob puts his arm around her, and glares at jiM 
and SUSAN.] 

SUSAN. Gee, Nancy, I'm awfully sorry. I sort of — of — forget 

about how — ^how nice she sometimes is. 
bob. And you thought this was a nice thing to do, did you ? 
JIM. I thought she was keeping you two from marrying. Great 

day, I'd think you'd appreciate what I'm trying to do for you ! 
bob. I can't see that it's any of your business ! 
JIM. All right, the next time I try to do someone a good turn, I'll 

know about it! 
SUSAN. Jim, don't quarrel ! Please ! Go get the other stuff, quick, 

and wake her up ! 
NANCY. Wake her up ! You mean she'll be all right ? 
JIM. Surest thing you know! I'll call the house and have mother 

send it over — \_At the telephone.^ Bittersweet — five — o — 

eight — three. Yes, thanks. 
SUSAN. You see, it was Jim's idea, that you could get married, 

and then as soon as you did, he'd wake her up, and everything 

would be okay. 
JIM. Hello, mother. Yes, this is Jim. Say, mother, those two 

stone jars I brought in — Yes, the ones I took straight to my 



KING S ARGON'S JARS 27 

room — Huh? My stars, no! You know very well I wouldn't 
try to import liquor! Of course not! What? No! You didn't! 
NO! NO! But, mother — [Slowly — as though dazed — he 
hangs up the telephone, and sets it on the table. He stares at 
the three, and they huddle in a little hunch, staring at him.'\ 

SUSAN \_in a whisperl^. What happened? 

JIM \_in a flat tone']. She poured out the stuff. 

SUSAN. No ! All of it ? 

JIM. Yes. You know what a temperance worker mother is. When 
I took those jars so carefully to my room, she thought I'd 
brought back liquor in them for someone, and she dumped it 
out and scoured out the jars. It's all gone. 

SUSAN. Oh, Jim, there must be something you can give her in- 
stead. Think! 

JIM [shaking his head hopelessly]. That formula hasn't been 
known for two thousand years. We may not even have the 
drugs to make it any more. [He sits down and buries his head 
in his hands.] Gosh, I'm sorry! 

BOB [harshly]. I suppose the next thing is to call the police. 

SUSAN [crossing to jiM protectively and placing her hand on his 
shoulder]. Bob\ Why they might put him in prison! You 
wouldn't spoil his life like that ! 

BOB. What about Aunt Miranda's life ! 

SUSAN. But you and Nancy can get married now. 

BOB. Say, do you think we'd take advantage of her like that? Not 
much! We've got to notify the authorities, and try to find 
something to do. 

SUSAN. We might hide her and keep it quiet while we tried to 
work out an antidote. 

NANCY. Don't you dare touch her ! 

JIM. They're right, Sue. Call the cops and let's get it over with. 

AUNT MIRANDA [suddenly rising]. I agree with you, James, let's 
get it over with. 

[All four start back from her exclaiming in concert.] 

NANCY. Auntie ! 



28 KING S ARGON'S JARS 

BOB. Mrs. Talbot! Are you all right? 

SUSAN. Thank heaven! 

JIM. But what happened? 

AUNT MIRANDA. Enough! [S/)e takes the bottle attd hands it to 

JIM sternly.} Young man, smell this liquid. 
JIM {uncorking the bottle and sniffing]. My word! Lily of the 

valley ! 
SUSAN. B — but what happened to the stuff that was in there? 
AUNT MIRANDA. To that heathen mixture ? I dumped it out. And 

I was glad to hear that your mother [She turns to JIM.} 

dumped the rest of it out ! The idea of anyone with no more 

sense than you have running around with stuff as dangerous 

as that ! 
JIM [sinking in a chair]. Good-bye, discovery! 
SUSAN [following suit]. Good-bye, Paris gowns! 
BOB [following suit]. Good-bye, wedding! 
NANCY. I don't care! I've got my own dear auntie back! 
AUNT MIRANDA [smiUng now, and putting an affectionate arm 

around nancy]. So you're not going to marry Jim unless he 

can buy you Paris gowns, eh, Susan? 
SUSAN. Well, I haven't been asked to. 
AUNT MIRANDA. And here this silly niece of mine wants to marry 

a man before he can even keep her in bungalow aprons. 
BOB. Now, really, Aunt Miranda, I could get Nancy bungalow 

aprons — once in a while ! You see, those stocks 

[He grins at her, and she finally smiles back.] 

AUNT MIRANDA. Maybe you are a good business man, after all, 
Bob! Well, [Briskly.] you'll get one of the Greenwood apart- 
ments for a wedding present. 

NANCY. Aunt Miranda ! 

SUSAN. Jim, I don't really want the Paris gowns ! I'd rather fry 
your breakfast bacon than wear all the 

AUNT MIRANDA. Now, that's talking! And I'll see that Jim's 
mother gets you another one of the apartments 

SUSAN [running to AUNT miranda}. Ooo, you're just great! 



KING SARGON'S JARS 29 

[uncle henry comes creeping quietly in, L, with his purse in 
his hand."] 

UNCLE HENRY. Miranda, my love 



AUNT MIRANDA [stiffly]. Yes, Henry 

UNCLE HENRY. About this five hundred 

AUNT MIRANDA. Give it to these four newly-weds, and we'll for- 
get about it. 
UNCLE HENRY. Fine! Fine! Bless their hearts! 
JIM. Aunt Miranda, you're a perfea brick! 
AUNT MIRANDA, Not bfick, James. Stone! 

CURTAIN 



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Farce in 1 act; 6 girls. What happens when a stern aunt 
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